Friends and Facebook

It's rather interesting how much the world has changed during only 20 years of my life. And not only the world itself but also the people, including me. Thanks to Facebook I have the opportunity to observe this change by looking at the profiles of my ancient friends - friends from my childhood and from the basic school. It seems to be almost unimaginable now that I was once friends with these people. I just can't imagine any subject we could talk about now. Strange. But that's how it goes.
Today I've found my very first best friend's profile. And I was shocked. She's just gorgeous, looks like a model. I was impressed - but only until I checked the groups she's a member of and the pages she's a fan of: fashion, disco, branded goods, marihuana, parties... And then: XXX became a member of "Cocaine and his friends" and XXX became a fan of Cocaine. Does this have a real base? If yes, than it's... Well, no comment.
It's also intersting how I've found her on Facebook. She commented on a status of another former best friend of mine - from a different period a few years later. She's very much the same as the "friend" described previously. A girl whose only interest is to party. I was quite surprised that these two former best friends of mine are such a good couple of friend nowadays. This world's just small. And full of connections and coincidence.
Talking about coincidence - yesterday I met one of the main characters of this blog. To be more precise - I met him and his girlfriend. The one in whose bed I slept twice. I must say I somehow felt pity for her... I expect she doesn't know about all that "funny stuff" her boyfriend was (or has been?) involved in. She was very cute, more than good-looking and seemed to be very nice as a person. And still he was able to do all this to her - under the motto "what you don't know about can't hurt you". But still it's unfair. I'd always thought it was all unfair to me. But it wasn't. I wasn't the victim. Only good memories are left inside my head now and I'm glad for these memories. Is this the final reconciliation with the past? Maybe. I definitely feel a lot lighter after yesterday.

Photo night

... Every fucking night I cry for the three years spend with the one I thought I'd marry one day...
I have no evidence any more of the two of us being together for so much time... I'm not really sure whether it was right or not but I've got rid of each and every photo of him which I found in my NB... Where there were the two of us in a folder, there's only me left... He's never existed... There's only a half of the memories... Only one half... And now I miss the other... I've never thought photos were so important. I hate them, I hate the image of myself... I prefer to conserve things in my mind, which is unfortunately not so perfect. One day the images in my head will finally disappear and there won't be not even memories left...
We didn't have so many photos together though... Not more than ten... One evening was enough for him to get x-times more photos with his fiancée. No, not him... There's nothing like HIM in these new photos... It's not the one I knew so well... Well? I don't know... And he didn't know me either... I put three years of my life in a dustbin and then I threw them away. As there wasn't so much evidence, it was quite easy... And it seems quite strange to me how easy it was in comparison with other "funny stuff" lasting for a much shorter time... But maybe it's just a stupid problem in my head and in my attitude... Maybe I'm jealous... That someone else has at least something while I've got just nothing. Nothing. I wanted a completely new beginning... But all I've got is just emptiness.

This song has turned this night into both heaven and hell...

Another night and another post in my blog. I've never felt such a beauty consuming my whole body before... But it has made someone else rather depressed... There's no white without black and no black without white...
How to explain to him that he's more important than anyone else has ever been for me? That since I've known him, I just feel like myself. That feeling like myself is the best thing that could ever happen to me... And that if he loves me, he should be glad he loves really ME, not just some image of me... I'm offering my whole self to him and he seems not to want to hear...
Yes, on the other hand, I want to stay a little independent... I need to... Cause if I lose my independence, I'll lose myself again and there would be no one he could love... This is me, this is my life, my self, my soul... But there's also this connection... Between me and him... And he just MUST know this... That although we're both independent on each other, we're connected... Cause when we're together, there's just the two of us and the world ceases to exist... But I just can't give up feeling the way I feel now... I can't lose myself again... Not now I've found my soul after so much time of being in exile...
I have to be alone in a way, but on the other hand I can't imagine my life without him anymore... Well, in a way I can. But that's something positive, although he maybe doesn't realize this now. I've found myself, I've found my inner calmness, I'm balanced... Which is something I needed so much! I've always wanted to feel the way I feel now again...
If he loves me, he must accept certain things. He must accept I'm not a villain in essence. That I'm not the naughty girl he met on the net one day in December anymore. That I can be also nice... When I feel like myself. Which is what I feel now. I'm just trying to explain... But it's hard... But if he is not the one to understand all this, no one will.

I just feel sooo...

Stupid.
At one moment you have everything, you have hope and plans and love and you feel just so happy you think it'll last forever. But this is the reality and nothing can last forever. One stupid little thing is enough to ruin everything.
I hate myself for making him feel how he feels now when it's so pointless... Maybe I am too strict, too strong in my opinions. But that's just me and I really didn't want to hurt him in any way...
So I'm alone again... Spending another night feeling this empty loneliness... Not being able to imagine not seeing him anymore when he's the only one who can make me laugh at any time just by looking at me... When I imagine not seeing his smile ever again, it makes my heart die right inside my chest... And just now I'm not really sure whether he's aware of this... That I've wanted him since the moment I saw his virtual him... Though it seemed quite unimaginable for me at that time... I had these secret feelings for him... And had to read about the girls he (had) wanted or loved or... And I was looking for some substitutes in my real life just to prove to myself that life's different from the virtual reality... But then these two worlds joined into one... And my dreams have come true... And the strange feeling I'd already felt, became love... So strong I threw away my life, my obsessions, my reason... Just to try to live for the first time in my life...
But what do I have now? A dull pain in my whole body... And fear... And still the same thought: "I've never ever been so much afraid of losing. Anything."
And I feel sorry... But maybe it'll be better not to do anything about it when he apparently doesn't want to... Trying to forget before getting caught too much in this "complicated stuff"? There's nothing as difficult as forgetting people you love... And I love him. He's not perfect, but neither am I... And I'm so sorry for my reaction when the stuff concerning me, which he has to cope with, is much harder to accept...
If I had just one minute of life left, I'd call HIM... To tell him for the last time how much I love him and how sorry I am for everything...

Nights

I just hate nights. And what I hate even more is the strange mood I'm falling into again, like almost every night... The only thing I want just now is to get rid of Facebook, icq and just every form of social contact on the internet and never ever get online again. I know it isn't possible and I know it wouldn't last long, but at least I'd listen to the impulsive part of me.
How to erase the past when there's so much evidence? When each and every word you've ever used is written down somewhere on the net? Why am I not able to reconcile with what had happened before this very moment? Why do I still want to hurt myself or other people? Why do I feel just like another stage in a process of someone's life? Why do I feel like another in a line? Someone who can be replaced just as easily as they've come? Why do I keep assuring myself there was someone who meant something more than me in the past? Why do I need this theory to torment myself?
Why?

Empty Friday night

Strange... I've drunk a little beer this evening and, just very little, and now I feel so dizzy I can't think anymore... So here I am, writing my blog again, again without any purpose, again without any thoughts. I'm not even able to see what I'm writing. My senses are asleep. That's something I can't do. I can't fall asleep. I can't force myself to go to bed. Being stuck in the existence, waiting for something which won't ever come. It can't come, as I don't know what it is. I'm so tired, though I eventually slept last night... For the first time since the 30th April. Since then I've been sleeping for only about four hours a day and my body's getting knackered. Especially at night... When there's no one I could be awake for. I need to learn, I know I have to... But I just can't. There's nothing in my head, my brain's left me some time ago... But in the middle of this "nothing" there's... There's someone. I'm in love. This is the last thing I'm able to think of just now. The very last thing. That somewhere in the "far" east there's someone who's able to make my life worth living. And this is the first positive thing in this blog. Sometimes it's good to stop thinking completely...

Beginning/End (?)

I tried to write something positive into this blog. I swear I tried. But it somehow just didn't work out. I had to wait till sinking somewhere deep again...
I don't know... I just suppose it'll be a little more difficult to get used to feeling happy than I'd expected... It's a new situation for me. A situation I can't work with, 'cause I've never had the opportunity to learn how to manage all this "happiness"... It seems to be almost impossible for someone who's always just suffered...
Unbearable lightness of being. That's quite accurate. I feel so light I can't bear it. I feel so light I'm getting heavy. My heart's getting heavy. And I'm suddenly losing the hope that I can really change. And all this fear and doubts and...