S***

I still can't believe I did it again. Really. You're stupid even if you do it just once but in this case... No comment. The fact that my relationship is a little bit... how to say... it's just going the wrong way... can't be an excuse for me behaving like a teenager with other men... hm, one man in fact... "man"... he's more like a boy... he IS a boy... But I suppose that people in my age just do these kinds of things and it's normal... So everything's the way it should be? I don't know how I'd explain this to my boyfriend...
Maybe I just want a little bit of freedom... But... BUT. I've started to doubt about my feelings recently... A new period of my life has begun, with a new system, new friends, new experiences... And he just seems not to be a part of all this. He lives in a different world with different people... And when he tried to penetrate into my world yesterday, I sent him away... It just wasn't the right place for him and behaved... I don't know, I just didn't like anything he did yesterday... He was irritating me all the time... Tolerance, girl, tolerance... I'm a selfish cow... But who should care more about me than myself? I just want to feel something. Anything. To know I'm still alive. But when morning comes, it all seems just like a dream... Maybe it didn't happen at all... Snogging on a bank just after midnight... And something more... No, I'm not insane yet and I didn't do anything THAT stupid but it was already very close to it...
S***.

OMFG

Hey! It's me again after a rather long pause but with the hottest news of the year! (Just kidding.)
I didn't feel like writing anything last month. But I've decided to continue anyway... It's just high time... So:

• My mother seems to have stopped talking to me. Great. I didn't force her to stay with that... Hm, my father. It's not my fault she's unhappy. It was only her decision. It's not my business when she doesn't talk to him but it really IS MY BUSINESS when she ignores me! I'm really looking forward to the beginning of the first term at school, as I won't have time to visit them as often as I do now.
• My father still annoys me (no surprise) but at least he's changed the object of his saviour complex and started giving money to me and not some fu***** woman I don't even know. That's one small meaningless plus for him.
• *** (or "someone") was AGAIN offering sex to me. And I just couldn't say NO (although I didn't say YES either). No remorse. AGAIN. When we arranged to meet each other last time I dressed myself in a sexy way just to provoke him. And it didn't work. I really don't understand him.
• We went to a teahouse with my favourite couple and my favourite "teaman" (whom I haven't seen for many many months) was there... And "something" woke up inside me. AGAIN. (I hate all men on this planet for messing my life up.) As one half of my favourite couple said, I have everything so complicated...
• Last week of holiday. In only eight days my new life's going to start. In fact it's starting today, as I'm going out with at least one of my future classmates:o). I hope this year will be better than the previous ones. I've got some great plans. If I'm lucky, they'll fall out well.

That's all for today. I'm too tired of writing:o) (but not more than I'm tired of my own life... Hm.)