S***

I still can't believe I did it again. Really. You're stupid even if you do it just once but in this case... No comment. The fact that my relationship is a little bit... how to say... it's just going the wrong way... can't be an excuse for me behaving like a teenager with other men... hm, one man in fact... "man"... he's more like a boy... he IS a boy... But I suppose that people in my age just do these kinds of things and it's normal... So everything's the way it should be? I don't know how I'd explain this to my boyfriend...
Maybe I just want a little bit of freedom... But... BUT. I've started to doubt about my feelings recently... A new period of my life has begun, with a new system, new friends, new experiences... And he just seems not to be a part of all this. He lives in a different world with different people... And when he tried to penetrate into my world yesterday, I sent him away... It just wasn't the right place for him and behaved... I don't know, I just didn't like anything he did yesterday... He was irritating me all the time... Tolerance, girl, tolerance... I'm a selfish cow... But who should care more about me than myself? I just want to feel something. Anything. To know I'm still alive. But when morning comes, it all seems just like a dream... Maybe it didn't happen at all... Snogging on a bank just after midnight... And something more... No, I'm not insane yet and I didn't do anything THAT stupid but it was already very close to it...
S***.