In the middle of the night

It's Saturday night and I'm falling into a strange mood again. I suppose it's just due to the fact that I'm spending this night at my parents' (I'm having a little holiday here just now) while my beloved boyfriend's drinking at a wedding party I don't know where. I simply adore such Saturday nights.
I'm not sure whether it's normal or not but after more than two years of a relationship my boyfriend prefers to go on such occasions as a wedding, a Christmas ball, a company party... on his own. Not that we've ever been somewhere together. He believes that I would spoil any such moment and therefore I have to be at home. He thinks I would be embarrassing, I would discredit him or whatever. I know perfectly well I'm a lunatic but does that mean he has to keep hiding me at home?
The second thing is that my memories about him drinking somewhere without me are rather... On one such occasion, I became so cross with him (he called me on my mobile) that I threw the mobile about three metres away. Silly it may seem but he had a car accident the next morning, alcohol still in his blood and... You can easily imagine the rest. I hate him drinking. Without my control.

"ach jo".....

"You'll understand it one day."

This is the sentence I hate the most. The day before yesterday *** used it for the second time already. For the first time he used it when he told me goodbye for the first time and wanted to end it all between us. "You'll understand it one day and maybe you'll even forgive me." Later he apologized for these stupid words. It was more than four years ago and surprisingly we still know each other, meet each other from time to time, communicate with each other, we've even slept with each other (I mean in one bed, with no deeper meaning:o) {un/fortunately} ); briefly, our relationship is getting tighter and tighter.
On Tuesday we had a little "dispute" about music and he used this sentence in the meaning that "one day I'll recognize what's the Good music". I still can't forgive him that he wasn't so fascinated by James as I am:o) (that's maybe caused by the fact he hasn't been on his concert yet:o) ). And he didn't like this:



However, he can't discourage me from getting fascinated by this performance again and again.

But back to the sentence in the title. It's one of my father's favourites. I don't know why but when my father loves something, I despise it. It's not that I do it deliberately, it's just a fact.
My father has always been telling me that "one day you'll understand it (that I do it all just for you)" and I've always thought that this is complete rubbish. As I said (I think) in one of the first posts, he's ruined my life. Particularly by the actions he "did just for me and my future". He ruined my childhood for the sake of "better future" which will never come. He's been always fighting with the windmills that existed just in his head and when I asked him why, he could tell me only that "I'll understand it one day". And I was absolutely sure I wouldn't. That there's nothing to understand.
But what I understand now is that you have to accept your life, you have to deal with it. My life will never be balanced and I won't ever understand it but it's my life and there's no other to choose.
And I'm a "psycho" and I'm a "killer" and I don't feel ashamed:o).

(Song: James Harries - Psycho Killer Cover)