Disillusionment

I was just so stupid that I thought that there were the two of us and then there was the rest. That I'd somehow manage everything even though I spend most of my free (study) time with him. But where's my reward? All the school stuff is piling up my head but still I wanted to be with him at least when it's our anniversary. And then he just said that my studies were the most important thing... And where's us? Nowhere? Why should I invest all my time and energy into... whatever. And the worst thing it that I'm not sad at all. I'm angry. I'm angry because I had so many plans and now I see how naive and stupid I was. That I forced him into something he didn't want himself. Because I needed (and I need) to be sure at least about something. To have something (or somebody) to rely on. To have a future. But there's nothing worse than thinking about the future.
So now I solemnly swear that from now on there's no future for me. That I'll just accept things as they come. As I was used to in a certain period of my life. Maybe that's the comfortable way to live. Cause you can rely on no one but yourself. People were created to be independent. Fuck :(

Shit.

Shit. No, SHIT. No, a big pile of shit. No, an ENORMOUS pile of shit. That's what I'm drowning in just now. Feeling like there's no other choice. Than destruction. Total destruction. And then I'll leave this place and forget about everything. That was the original plan. Isn't it good to stuck to the original plans? First decisions used to be the best ones. Are they still? Is it possible to make a good decision or are there only bad ones? Kill me. Kill me or take me to heaven or both.