I just feel sooo...

Stupid.
At one moment you have everything, you have hope and plans and love and you feel just so happy you think it'll last forever. But this is the reality and nothing can last forever. One stupid little thing is enough to ruin everything.
I hate myself for making him feel how he feels now when it's so pointless... Maybe I am too strict, too strong in my opinions. But that's just me and I really didn't want to hurt him in any way...
So I'm alone again... Spending another night feeling this empty loneliness... Not being able to imagine not seeing him anymore when he's the only one who can make me laugh at any time just by looking at me... When I imagine not seeing his smile ever again, it makes my heart die right inside my chest... And just now I'm not really sure whether he's aware of this... That I've wanted him since the moment I saw his virtual him... Though it seemed quite unimaginable for me at that time... I had these secret feelings for him... And had to read about the girls he (had) wanted or loved or... And I was looking for some substitutes in my real life just to prove to myself that life's different from the virtual reality... But then these two worlds joined into one... And my dreams have come true... And the strange feeling I'd already felt, became love... So strong I threw away my life, my obsessions, my reason... Just to try to live for the first time in my life...
But what do I have now? A dull pain in my whole body... And fear... And still the same thought: "I've never ever been so much afraid of losing. Anything."
And I feel sorry... But maybe it'll be better not to do anything about it when he apparently doesn't want to... Trying to forget before getting caught too much in this "complicated stuff"? There's nothing as difficult as forgetting people you love... And I love him. He's not perfect, but neither am I... And I'm so sorry for my reaction when the stuff concerning me, which he has to cope with, is much harder to accept...
If I had just one minute of life left, I'd call HIM... To tell him for the last time how much I love him and how sorry I am for everything...

Nights

I just hate nights. And what I hate even more is the strange mood I'm falling into again, like almost every night... The only thing I want just now is to get rid of Facebook, icq and just every form of social contact on the internet and never ever get online again. I know it isn't possible and I know it wouldn't last long, but at least I'd listen to the impulsive part of me.
How to erase the past when there's so much evidence? When each and every word you've ever used is written down somewhere on the net? Why am I not able to reconcile with what had happened before this very moment? Why do I still want to hurt myself or other people? Why do I feel just like another stage in a process of someone's life? Why do I feel like another in a line? Someone who can be replaced just as easily as they've come? Why do I keep assuring myself there was someone who meant something more than me in the past? Why do I need this theory to torment myself?
Why?

Empty Friday night

Strange... I've drunk a little beer this evening and, just very little, and now I feel so dizzy I can't think anymore... So here I am, writing my blog again, again without any purpose, again without any thoughts. I'm not even able to see what I'm writing. My senses are asleep. That's something I can't do. I can't fall asleep. I can't force myself to go to bed. Being stuck in the existence, waiting for something which won't ever come. It can't come, as I don't know what it is. I'm so tired, though I eventually slept last night... For the first time since the 30th April. Since then I've been sleeping for only about four hours a day and my body's getting knackered. Especially at night... When there's no one I could be awake for. I need to learn, I know I have to... But I just can't. There's nothing in my head, my brain's left me some time ago... But in the middle of this "nothing" there's... There's someone. I'm in love. This is the last thing I'm able to think of just now. The very last thing. That somewhere in the "far" east there's someone who's able to make my life worth living. And this is the first positive thing in this blog. Sometimes it's good to stop thinking completely...

Beginning/End (?)

I tried to write something positive into this blog. I swear I tried. But it somehow just didn't work out. I had to wait till sinking somewhere deep again...
I don't know... I just suppose it'll be a little more difficult to get used to feeling happy than I'd expected... It's a new situation for me. A situation I can't work with, 'cause I've never had the opportunity to learn how to manage all this "happiness"... It seems to be almost impossible for someone who's always just suffered...
Unbearable lightness of being. That's quite accurate. I feel so light I can't bear it. I feel so light I'm getting heavy. My heart's getting heavy. And I'm suddenly losing the hope that I can really change. And all this fear and doubts and...