I just feel sooo...

Stupid.
At one moment you have everything, you have hope and plans and love and you feel just so happy you think it'll last forever. But this is the reality and nothing can last forever. One stupid little thing is enough to ruin everything.
I hate myself for making him feel how he feels now when it's so pointless... Maybe I am too strict, too strong in my opinions. But that's just me and I really didn't want to hurt him in any way...
So I'm alone again... Spending another night feeling this empty loneliness... Not being able to imagine not seeing him anymore when he's the only one who can make me laugh at any time just by looking at me... When I imagine not seeing his smile ever again, it makes my heart die right inside my chest... And just now I'm not really sure whether he's aware of this... That I've wanted him since the moment I saw his virtual him... Though it seemed quite unimaginable for me at that time... I had these secret feelings for him... And had to read about the girls he (had) wanted or loved or... And I was looking for some substitutes in my real life just to prove to myself that life's different from the virtual reality... But then these two worlds joined into one... And my dreams have come true... And the strange feeling I'd already felt, became love... So strong I threw away my life, my obsessions, my reason... Just to try to live for the first time in my life...
But what do I have now? A dull pain in my whole body... And fear... And still the same thought: "I've never ever been so much afraid of losing. Anything."
And I feel sorry... But maybe it'll be better not to do anything about it when he apparently doesn't want to... Trying to forget before getting caught too much in this "complicated stuff"? There's nothing as difficult as forgetting people you love... And I love him. He's not perfect, but neither am I... And I'm so sorry for my reaction when the stuff concerning me, which he has to cope with, is much harder to accept...
If I had just one minute of life left, I'd call HIM... To tell him for the last time how much I love him and how sorry I am for everything...