So I guess this is the end of it...

Nothing has ever hurt me in this way. This much. Never. The last time I cried in public was when I came to China, was put into a crazy dormitory and realized I was supposed to stay there for the whole year. In those miserable conditions. My big Chinese dream turned into a hell. I just felt hopeless, absolutely desperate. This time it's different. It's not just about one year. It's about the whole life. The whole life that I wanted to spend with someone, until he realized it's simply too much for him. That I demand too much of him. That waiting for me at home isn't ok for him anymore, that this loneliness is killing him... I was selfish, I know. And in a way I always will be. I'm not willing to give up my personal dreams. I just can't. Sorry. But that absolutely doesn't mean I didn't want to get old with him... Have children and grandchildren and stuff... Play board games, travel a bit, cook together and share the same bed. And love each other even though we're somehow blocked and we aren't really able to say it out loud. I wanted all of this and then I got scared. And only now, when the door has closed forever (or so it seems to be) did I realize what I felt. Too late. His heart was already stuck. Cold. No feelings. No feelings at all. And I'm done. Crying in front of my teacher and other people was just a part of this game life's playing on me. I should try to be stronger, but I don't know how to do that. It's as if my heart was about to burst... As if someone tried to cut it right out of my chest. As if he did. And now? Either he'll realize that breaking up with me was the right choice. That he can easily be happy with someone else. Then I'll have to accept that. But I can't be his friend anymore. Can't watch that from distance. Or he'll realize he wants to be with me. That we just can't throw it away. And then... It'll be too late. I won't ever get rid of this pain. Never. It's in my head, in my skin, my limbs, in my stomach. It's in my chest, it's filling up my lungs. It causes me to lose control of my moves, to lose thoughts, to be unable to speak in any language. I can't do anything. Just lie down and wait if it'll ever go away. Or won't. Nothing has ever hurt me in this way... No one has ever hurt me in this way... As the one who, as I thought, was supposed to be there always for me. I always felt that if he holds my hand, he won't let it go. And I felt safe. And now he's gone...