I really didn't know how to translate this... It's a state of mind when you terribly long for being hurt on your soul. My biggest problem (apart from having no imagination, refusing to eat, being hysterical, being extremely lazy and doing stupid mistakes in everything I do).
Being a "spiritual masochist" makes my life more difficult but on the other hand it assures me that I'm still alive. Being desperate brings me to life again. As someone said, "I'm unhappy because it's the only way for me to be happy". Although I would never use the word "happy" or "unhappy" when talking about myself. It's not about being happy. It's just about being alive. And as long as I'm able to feel I live. Unfortunately I need really strong emotions to prove that. And despair is a strong emotion.
I heard that it should be love instead of despair that makes you "happy" (= alive). But haven't you noticed how close to each other they are? Love and despair. Even "lucky" love (how would you name that in English?) turns into despair in me. I'm crazy, I know. But at least I don't deny it. I'm well aware of my diagnosis. In fact no doctor would be able to state it better than I do.
I know that I'm a "spiritual masochist". But I won't do anything to fight against it. This is also a part of "spiritual masochism". You'll never do anything to make you feel better. Just because you don't want to. Just because you're a "spiritual masochist". It's like a vicious circle.
Maybe there are too many vicious circles in my life...
2 comments:
I relate to this very well....perfectly so. You're not alone!! *hugs*
I relate to this utterly...you are not alone. check this out....there is a spiritual element to masochism that maybe you might wish to explore...if you haven't already...
http://subterrain.ca/commentary/44/beat-me-my-search-for-the-spirituality-of-self-harm
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