Me and Food

Somehow I've been a sort of "afraid" recently to write anything about my father. Maybe it's just that the things aren't going that bad just now and I don't want to recall them. At least not if I don't really have to. So I pick up little subjects quite meaningful for me and try to postpone the dread coming on me whenever I think about my family situation as far as possible.

Today I've chosen food. My relationship to food was the one which brought me (finally) to the psychiatrist two years ago (no, three... yes, three years ago). It wasn't really anorexia nervosa, although calling it so wouldn't be quite far from the truth either. Now I think about it it wasn't anorexia at all. It was just the depression that made me lose my appetite... I was suddenly so hollow... I remember spending the first three or four hours in the morning just sitting in the kitchen looking at the wall and being silent. One meal a day had to be enough, as I didn't have any strength to get anything more into my body.
I have never understood people trying to lose weight. It's almost impossible for most of them as their appetite is so huge they just cannot resist. For me it's no problem to overcome my hunger. It's enough to feel hungry for more than one hour and then the hunger just disappears. It's crazy but that's how it goes. That's why I was too thin for my trousers after having them at home for only one day. I don't need to eat. And if I need to, I can overcome it. And still I can't imagine my life without food. I'm mad about food. There is no bigger joy for me than to order a meal in a restaurant or tavern (there's one I like especially, as the portions are almost three times as large as those in "ordinary" restaurants) and than eat everything (although people sometimes look at me as if it was the eighth wonder - when someone with my figure puts down his throat so much food in about half an hour). I often eat till I'm completely sick (although I never vomit - only when I'm drunk - that's the important exception).
Sometimes I'm the complete opposite. For example when there's something I'm almost dying for (to eat). I hear a tiny "click" in my head and I just can't and won't and... I watch the other person eating all of it dying of jealousy (and other feelings I just can't describe) and won't take anything, even if I were to die of hunger. And I can't tell anyone. It's just such a "personal matter".

Writing it here might help me next time to change my eating habits. Although I'm not sure that my life would be worth it without me tormenting myself all the time. Thus I would lose the sense of being alive. But about that topic... Next time.