A dream

Two days ago I had a dream which made me cry. That's quite usual for me.
But that night I dreamt about a person I loved very much. When he lived.
I met him in the inglorious period of my life when I spent almost half a day on chat. (I still feel a little ashamed about that:o) ). My first impression was that he was pretty quick (at writing - that's what you see as the first thing on chat). It was a difficult thing even for me (I have some 250 - 300 strokes per minute) to keep up with him. We met again after some time and we remembered each other. And our friendship began. A friendship which wasn't supposed to last for very long because of circumstances nobody could change.
One night he seemed a little depressed and then he told me the horrible truth. He suffered from cystic fibrosis (a genetic disease which affects endocrine glands) and was waiting for his death. For already more than 20 years (I'm now not so sure but I think he was 23 or something). This news struck me like a thunder. I knew his diagnosis too well. My sister died 23 years ago. Because of cystic fibrosis. This coincidence made the connection between us even tighter.
And then we fell in love with each other. Or at least I thought so. He loved me. And I suppose I loved him too. Now I know I should have suppress what I felt to avoid hurting him. Maybe what I felt was rather pity? No, no... It was love. At least at that time. I remember how jealous we were of each other. I just couldn't make this all up.
And then I met him in real life. And the reality was so cruel I failed. I failed to make his life a little bit more... beautiful? There's no word to describe it. The next day I got so drunk I was intoxicated by alcohol... And I couldn't meet him again. I couldn't. I felt so ashamed I'd failed... And I still... Please, forgive me, my dear...
Now he appeared in my dream for the first time ever. It was so strange... He told me he was healthy and I was so happy I cried. He told me he loved me. I don't know whether I felt anything in the dream. Because now I have my boyfriend and... But still I won't ever forget the one who called me "červánek" (the most beautiful nickname someone's ever given me).


James Harries - I dream