Těch šest let...

...a těch pár dní naděje... mi za těch třicet tisíc a rozbitej mobil stálo. Bývala bych dala i víc. Dala bych cokoliv.

I've never felt so...

So I guess this is the end of it...

Nothing has ever hurt me in this way. This much. Never. The last time I cried in public was when I came to China, was put into a crazy dormitory and realized I was supposed to stay there for the whole year. In those miserable conditions. My big Chinese dream turned into a hell. I just felt hopeless, absolutely desperate. This time it's different. It's not just about one year. It's about the whole life. The whole life that I wanted to spend with someone, until he realized it's simply too much for him. That I demand too much of him. That waiting for me at home isn't ok for him anymore, that this loneliness is killing him... I was selfish, I know. And in a way I always will be. I'm not willing to give up my personal dreams. I just can't. Sorry. But that absolutely doesn't mean I didn't want to get old with him... Have children and grandchildren and stuff... Play board games, travel a bit, cook together and share the same bed. And love each other even though we're somehow blocked and we aren't really able to say it out loud. I wanted all of this and then I got scared. And only now, when the door has closed forever (or so it seems to be) did I realize what I felt. Too late. His heart was already stuck. Cold. No feelings. No feelings at all. And I'm done. Crying in front of my teacher and other people was just a part of this game life's playing on me. I should try to be stronger, but I don't know how to do that. It's as if my heart was about to burst... As if someone tried to cut it right out of my chest. As if he did. And now? Either he'll realize that breaking up with me was the right choice. That he can easily be happy with someone else. Then I'll have to accept that. But I can't be his friend anymore. Can't watch that from distance. Or he'll realize he wants to be with me. That we just can't throw it away. And then... It'll be too late. I won't ever get rid of this pain. Never. It's in my head, in my skin, my limbs, in my stomach. It's in my chest, it's filling up my lungs. It causes me to lose control of my moves, to lose thoughts, to be unable to speak in any language. I can't do anything. Just lie down and wait if it'll ever go away. Or won't. Nothing has ever hurt me in this way... No one has ever hurt me in this way... As the one who, as I thought, was supposed to be there always for me. I always felt that if he holds my hand, he won't let it go. And I felt safe. And now he's gone...

Disillusionment

I was just so stupid that I thought that there were the two of us and then there was the rest. That I'd somehow manage everything even though I spend most of my free (study) time with him. But where's my reward? All the school stuff is piling up my head but still I wanted to be with him at least when it's our anniversary. And then he just said that my studies were the most important thing... And where's us? Nowhere? Why should I invest all my time and energy into... whatever. And the worst thing it that I'm not sad at all. I'm angry. I'm angry because I had so many plans and now I see how naive and stupid I was. That I forced him into something he didn't want himself. Because I needed (and I need) to be sure at least about something. To have something (or somebody) to rely on. To have a future. But there's nothing worse than thinking about the future.
So now I solemnly swear that from now on there's no future for me. That I'll just accept things as they come. As I was used to in a certain period of my life. Maybe that's the comfortable way to live. Cause you can rely on no one but yourself. People were created to be independent. Fuck :(

Shit.

Shit. No, SHIT. No, a big pile of shit. No, an ENORMOUS pile of shit. That's what I'm drowning in just now. Feeling like there's no other choice. Than destruction. Total destruction. And then I'll leave this place and forget about everything. That was the original plan. Isn't it good to stuck to the original plans? First decisions used to be the best ones. Are they still? Is it possible to make a good decision or are there only bad ones? Kill me. Kill me or take me to heaven or both.

Friends and Facebook

It's rather interesting how much the world has changed during only 20 years of my life. And not only the world itself but also the people, including me. Thanks to Facebook I have the opportunity to observe this change by looking at the profiles of my ancient friends - friends from my childhood and from the basic school. It seems to be almost unimaginable now that I was once friends with these people. I just can't imagine any subject we could talk about now. Strange. But that's how it goes.
Today I've found my very first best friend's profile. And I was shocked. She's just gorgeous, looks like a model. I was impressed - but only until I checked the groups she's a member of and the pages she's a fan of: fashion, disco, branded goods, marihuana, parties... And then: XXX became a member of "Cocaine and his friends" and XXX became a fan of Cocaine. Does this have a real base? If yes, than it's... Well, no comment.
It's also intersting how I've found her on Facebook. She commented on a status of another former best friend of mine - from a different period a few years later. She's very much the same as the "friend" described previously. A girl whose only interest is to party. I was quite surprised that these two former best friends of mine are such a good couple of friend nowadays. This world's just small. And full of connections and coincidence.
Talking about coincidence - yesterday I met one of the main characters of this blog. To be more precise - I met him and his girlfriend. The one in whose bed I slept twice. I must say I somehow felt pity for her... I expect she doesn't know about all that "funny stuff" her boyfriend was (or has been?) involved in. She was very cute, more than good-looking and seemed to be very nice as a person. And still he was able to do all this to her - under the motto "what you don't know about can't hurt you". But still it's unfair. I'd always thought it was all unfair to me. But it wasn't. I wasn't the victim. Only good memories are left inside my head now and I'm glad for these memories. Is this the final reconciliation with the past? Maybe. I definitely feel a lot lighter after yesterday.

Photo night

... Every fucking night I cry for the three years spend with the one I thought I'd marry one day...
I have no evidence any more of the two of us being together for so much time... I'm not really sure whether it was right or not but I've got rid of each and every photo of him which I found in my NB... Where there were the two of us in a folder, there's only me left... He's never existed... There's only a half of the memories... Only one half... And now I miss the other... I've never thought photos were so important. I hate them, I hate the image of myself... I prefer to conserve things in my mind, which is unfortunately not so perfect. One day the images in my head will finally disappear and there won't be not even memories left...
We didn't have so many photos together though... Not more than ten... One evening was enough for him to get x-times more photos with his fiancée. No, not him... There's nothing like HIM in these new photos... It's not the one I knew so well... Well? I don't know... And he didn't know me either... I put three years of my life in a dustbin and then I threw them away. As there wasn't so much evidence, it was quite easy... And it seems quite strange to me how easy it was in comparison with other "funny stuff" lasting for a much shorter time... But maybe it's just a stupid problem in my head and in my attitude... Maybe I'm jealous... That someone else has at least something while I've got just nothing. Nothing. I wanted a completely new beginning... But all I've got is just emptiness.

This song has turned this night into both heaven and hell...

Another night and another post in my blog. I've never felt such a beauty consuming my whole body before... But it has made someone else rather depressed... There's no white without black and no black without white...
How to explain to him that he's more important than anyone else has ever been for me? That since I've known him, I just feel like myself. That feeling like myself is the best thing that could ever happen to me... And that if he loves me, he should be glad he loves really ME, not just some image of me... I'm offering my whole self to him and he seems not to want to hear...
Yes, on the other hand, I want to stay a little independent... I need to... Cause if I lose my independence, I'll lose myself again and there would be no one he could love... This is me, this is my life, my self, my soul... But there's also this connection... Between me and him... And he just MUST know this... That although we're both independent on each other, we're connected... Cause when we're together, there's just the two of us and the world ceases to exist... But I just can't give up feeling the way I feel now... I can't lose myself again... Not now I've found my soul after so much time of being in exile...
I have to be alone in a way, but on the other hand I can't imagine my life without him anymore... Well, in a way I can. But that's something positive, although he maybe doesn't realize this now. I've found myself, I've found my inner calmness, I'm balanced... Which is something I needed so much! I've always wanted to feel the way I feel now again...
If he loves me, he must accept certain things. He must accept I'm not a villain in essence. That I'm not the naughty girl he met on the net one day in December anymore. That I can be also nice... When I feel like myself. Which is what I feel now. I'm just trying to explain... But it's hard... But if he is not the one to understand all this, no one will.

I just feel sooo...

Stupid.
At one moment you have everything, you have hope and plans and love and you feel just so happy you think it'll last forever. But this is the reality and nothing can last forever. One stupid little thing is enough to ruin everything.
I hate myself for making him feel how he feels now when it's so pointless... Maybe I am too strict, too strong in my opinions. But that's just me and I really didn't want to hurt him in any way...
So I'm alone again... Spending another night feeling this empty loneliness... Not being able to imagine not seeing him anymore when he's the only one who can make me laugh at any time just by looking at me... When I imagine not seeing his smile ever again, it makes my heart die right inside my chest... And just now I'm not really sure whether he's aware of this... That I've wanted him since the moment I saw his virtual him... Though it seemed quite unimaginable for me at that time... I had these secret feelings for him... And had to read about the girls he (had) wanted or loved or... And I was looking for some substitutes in my real life just to prove to myself that life's different from the virtual reality... But then these two worlds joined into one... And my dreams have come true... And the strange feeling I'd already felt, became love... So strong I threw away my life, my obsessions, my reason... Just to try to live for the first time in my life...
But what do I have now? A dull pain in my whole body... And fear... And still the same thought: "I've never ever been so much afraid of losing. Anything."
And I feel sorry... But maybe it'll be better not to do anything about it when he apparently doesn't want to... Trying to forget before getting caught too much in this "complicated stuff"? There's nothing as difficult as forgetting people you love... And I love him. He's not perfect, but neither am I... And I'm so sorry for my reaction when the stuff concerning me, which he has to cope with, is much harder to accept...
If I had just one minute of life left, I'd call HIM... To tell him for the last time how much I love him and how sorry I am for everything...

Nights

I just hate nights. And what I hate even more is the strange mood I'm falling into again, like almost every night... The only thing I want just now is to get rid of Facebook, icq and just every form of social contact on the internet and never ever get online again. I know it isn't possible and I know it wouldn't last long, but at least I'd listen to the impulsive part of me.
How to erase the past when there's so much evidence? When each and every word you've ever used is written down somewhere on the net? Why am I not able to reconcile with what had happened before this very moment? Why do I still want to hurt myself or other people? Why do I feel just like another stage in a process of someone's life? Why do I feel like another in a line? Someone who can be replaced just as easily as they've come? Why do I keep assuring myself there was someone who meant something more than me in the past? Why do I need this theory to torment myself?
Why?

Empty Friday night

Strange... I've drunk a little beer this evening and, just very little, and now I feel so dizzy I can't think anymore... So here I am, writing my blog again, again without any purpose, again without any thoughts. I'm not even able to see what I'm writing. My senses are asleep. That's something I can't do. I can't fall asleep. I can't force myself to go to bed. Being stuck in the existence, waiting for something which won't ever come. It can't come, as I don't know what it is. I'm so tired, though I eventually slept last night... For the first time since the 30th April. Since then I've been sleeping for only about four hours a day and my body's getting knackered. Especially at night... When there's no one I could be awake for. I need to learn, I know I have to... But I just can't. There's nothing in my head, my brain's left me some time ago... But in the middle of this "nothing" there's... There's someone. I'm in love. This is the last thing I'm able to think of just now. The very last thing. That somewhere in the "far" east there's someone who's able to make my life worth living. And this is the first positive thing in this blog. Sometimes it's good to stop thinking completely...

Beginning/End (?)

I tried to write something positive into this blog. I swear I tried. But it somehow just didn't work out. I had to wait till sinking somewhere deep again...
I don't know... I just suppose it'll be a little more difficult to get used to feeling happy than I'd expected... It's a new situation for me. A situation I can't work with, 'cause I've never had the opportunity to learn how to manage all this "happiness"... It seems to be almost impossible for someone who's always just suffered...
Unbearable lightness of being. That's quite accurate. I feel so light I can't bear it. I feel so light I'm getting heavy. My heart's getting heavy. And I'm suddenly losing the hope that I can really change. And all this fear and doubts and...

"Christmas spirit"

There are quite a few reasons why I hate Christmas:

• Supermarkets full of people make me depressed.
• I always realize how lonely I feel.
• All I want is to lock myself in my room not to see anyone.
• I'm not quite sure where I belong.
• My mother is depressed and doesn't know what to do.
• My father makes me mad when he participates on the obligate shopping in a supermarket (where there's nothing I'd like to buy although I know I should buy something not to die of hunger) and is always impatient (thinking we're too slow) although it's in fact none of his business and no one asked him to come with us.
• My grandma has an obsession consisting in making us eat more than we can.
• We still play a sort of a game with presents although everyone has been buying presents just for themselves for some time already (but my father insists on this ritual).
• I feel I need love and I feel I don't get it in the form I'd want it.
• I end up with the thinking that I have no future.
• There's still the Memory and it hurts.

To be continued... In the morning:).

It may happen to anyone...

It's quite common that people stop loving each other after some time and get separated... But I've always thought it can't happen to me... How naive I was...
Now it's high time I finally realize sth's wrong and do sth about it... But it seems to be more difficult that one could expect... But on the other hand, nobody said it'd be easy to throw away almost three year's of one's life... But I have to... There's no other choice any more... It won't ever get better...
I loved him. I loved him so much I'd do anything to make him happy... I loved him so much I wanted to spend my whole life with him no matter what obstacles get in our way... I loved him so much I couldn't stop thinking about him at any time of the day... I loved him so much I thought there was a chance our life would change... That we would change... That we would handle anything...
I was drunk with love but now I got sober...

"You think you're giving but you're taking my life away..."

shit*shit*shit

Bad day... I'm realizing really really slowly I've made a mistake again... Never sleep with your best friend... Hmmm...
Now:

• I have no friend.
• I have no boyfriend.
• I have no conscience.
• I have no sex.
• The only thing I have is bad mood.

Do you think it's normal when:

• you kiss your best friend (or the other way round)?
• you almost have sex with your bestfriend?
• two days after this he tells you he didn't like it?
• your ego gets hurt when he says this?
• you live with someone you don't sleep with?

Just a few questions... Question without answers. Or questions with answers you don't want to know. I don't want to know. I didn't want him to tell me it was rubbish. It meant nothing, but still... He shouldn't have said that... Cause now I'm really cross with him and I don't know what I'll do next and it might be another mistake and...

Me and weird nights (part 2 [in fact part 1 wasn't called part 1... hmmm... you'll see])

DON'T READ THIS IF YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO READ IT. THAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT. THE STORY WILL CONTAIN SOME SEX AND I DON'T WANT TO SHOCK YOU TOO MUCH AND ENDANGER YOUR MORAL DEVELOPMENT IN THAT WAY:o))

Hmmm... Is there any better word to describe what has just happened? I don’t think so...
I have to write it somewhere. It was only a few hours ago and I’ve already forgotten half of it... But I want to keep at least a little part of this night in my memory...
I wrote in the second post of this blog that I’d never kiss him, that there wouldn’t be any “to be continued” in the story... That it’s just like this and that’s all... But it wasn’t all... And I’m not sure that what happened this night was ALL.
Yes, it’s *** again. This time there’s no place for remorse. It just happened and there was no deeper meaning in the situation.
I know it’ll sound weird but in fact I made an attempt to abuse him. Last time (it was exactly 25 weeks ago) I made a personal vow that if I ever again find myself to be in his bed, I’ll do SOMETHING. And so I did...
We went to bed and again an absolute absurdity lay between us. I touched him gently and he asked me to massage him. He took off his T-shirt, I sat down on him and massaged him. Then we exchanged our roles. I took off my T-shirt and he massaged me. When he finished, he started to touch me in a different way. He wasn’t just my masseur any more... But than he suddenly stopped as his conscience woke up. The problem is that I don’t have my conscience any more, which was maybe the cause of what happened next.
I went to the toilet and when I came back I was feeling really cold. That’s why I crept under his blanket. He told me not to be a naughty girl but at that moment I already knew I’d get what I wanted. He took off my knickers. I kissed him on his ear and heard his silent groaning. He started to caress me. In a few moments I was lying on him and then we kissed for the first time... And then again and again... And then I touched him on the place where men like it the most... Hmmm... After five years of provoking each other THE MOMENT finally came.
I suppose you think that we had sex then... At least I’d think so. But we didn’t. He didn’t want to. Or better to say he wanted it as much as I did but he managed to contain himself... Maybe I should admire him for that. He saved our “innocence”... Shit.
The worst of all is that now I’m becoming quite sure that not even *** can make my hormones run high... Shit.
Maybe it was just a dream... Maybe it wasn’t. Shit.

I'm in love:o)

It happened today. An absolutely unexpected moment. Now I'm in love after many and many and many... days/weeks/months/whatever... I've found out that the only thing I can truly fall in love with is a song. Here it is:

(Btw it's Eric Clapton - Layla)
And in this version it's just... PERFECT.
And here's today's message: "You can't rely on men. The only one you can rely on is yourself (and music that lasts...)" :o)

S***

I still can't believe I did it again. Really. You're stupid even if you do it just once but in this case... No comment. The fact that my relationship is a little bit... how to say... it's just going the wrong way... can't be an excuse for me behaving like a teenager with other men... hm, one man in fact... "man"... he's more like a boy... he IS a boy... But I suppose that people in my age just do these kinds of things and it's normal... So everything's the way it should be? I don't know how I'd explain this to my boyfriend...
Maybe I just want a little bit of freedom... But... BUT. I've started to doubt about my feelings recently... A new period of my life has begun, with a new system, new friends, new experiences... And he just seems not to be a part of all this. He lives in a different world with different people... And when he tried to penetrate into my world yesterday, I sent him away... It just wasn't the right place for him and behaved... I don't know, I just didn't like anything he did yesterday... He was irritating me all the time... Tolerance, girl, tolerance... I'm a selfish cow... But who should care more about me than myself? I just want to feel something. Anything. To know I'm still alive. But when morning comes, it all seems just like a dream... Maybe it didn't happen at all... Snogging on a bank just after midnight... And something more... No, I'm not insane yet and I didn't do anything THAT stupid but it was already very close to it...
S***.

OMFG

Hey! It's me again after a rather long pause but with the hottest news of the year! (Just kidding.)
I didn't feel like writing anything last month. But I've decided to continue anyway... It's just high time... So:

• My mother seems to have stopped talking to me. Great. I didn't force her to stay with that... Hm, my father. It's not my fault she's unhappy. It was only her decision. It's not my business when she doesn't talk to him but it really IS MY BUSINESS when she ignores me! I'm really looking forward to the beginning of the first term at school, as I won't have time to visit them as often as I do now.
• My father still annoys me (no surprise) but at least he's changed the object of his saviour complex and started giving money to me and not some fu***** woman I don't even know. That's one small meaningless plus for him.
• *** (or "someone") was AGAIN offering sex to me. And I just couldn't say NO (although I didn't say YES either). No remorse. AGAIN. When we arranged to meet each other last time I dressed myself in a sexy way just to provoke him. And it didn't work. I really don't understand him.
• We went to a teahouse with my favourite couple and my favourite "teaman" (whom I haven't seen for many many months) was there... And "something" woke up inside me. AGAIN. (I hate all men on this planet for messing my life up.) As one half of my favourite couple said, I have everything so complicated...
• Last week of holiday. In only eight days my new life's going to start. In fact it's starting today, as I'm going out with at least one of my future classmates:o). I hope this year will be better than the previous ones. I've got some great plans. If I'm lucky, they'll fall out well.

That's all for today. I'm too tired of writing:o) (but not more than I'm tired of my own life... Hm.)

In the middle of the night

It's Saturday night and I'm falling into a strange mood again. I suppose it's just due to the fact that I'm spending this night at my parents' (I'm having a little holiday here just now) while my beloved boyfriend's drinking at a wedding party I don't know where. I simply adore such Saturday nights.
I'm not sure whether it's normal or not but after more than two years of a relationship my boyfriend prefers to go on such occasions as a wedding, a Christmas ball, a company party... on his own. Not that we've ever been somewhere together. He believes that I would spoil any such moment and therefore I have to be at home. He thinks I would be embarrassing, I would discredit him or whatever. I know perfectly well I'm a lunatic but does that mean he has to keep hiding me at home?
The second thing is that my memories about him drinking somewhere without me are rather... On one such occasion, I became so cross with him (he called me on my mobile) that I threw the mobile about three metres away. Silly it may seem but he had a car accident the next morning, alcohol still in his blood and... You can easily imagine the rest. I hate him drinking. Without my control.

"ach jo".....